Bolton Wanderers

PREMIER LEAGUE REVIEW - MATCHDAY EIGHT

Chelsea emphasised their good form at The Riverside with a magnificent 5 - 0 thumping of hapless Middlesbrough. Saloman Kalou opened the scoring on fourteen minutes and that was the way it stayed until the fifty-first minute when Belletti doubled the advantage. Three goals in fourteen minutes then put the contest beyond doubt as Kalou netted his second with Lampard and Malouda completing the rout.

With the first half over at Anfield, Chelsea looked set fair to open a three point gap up over their nearest rivals, Liverpool trailing Wigan and generally having been used as floor mops during the course of the first half. Amr Zaki broke the deadlock just before the half-hour, a lead pegged back by Dirk Kuyt whose celebrations included a quick snatch of ‘The Ace Of Spades’, previewing his entry in the Air Guitar World Cup. Not to be outdone, Zaki scored one of the goals of the season with a spectacular bicycle kick in first half injury time. Matters nearly went from bad to worse for Liverpool as the woodwork denied the visitors but as usual, weak officiating at the Kop End saved the day as for the second week running, Liverpool’s opponents were reduced to ten men, Valencia receiving two yellow cards. Albert Riera drew the hosts level with ten minutes to go and Kuyt performed ‘Highway To Hell’ following his eighty-third minute winner. Robbie Keane Watch: No goals mean that his eBay auction would fetch about twenty pence.

Hull City are Riding Along On The Crest Of A Wave as they brought forth a slew of really bad London 0 Hull 4 from the Sheep. Flag Day arrived with Turner’s goal enough to give them a 1 - 0 win over West Ham United at the KC Stadium.

Arsenal fans have long sung, “Let’s all laugh” at Tottenham so it seems a shame for the rest of us not to join in, particularly as they are serving up performances of a similar quality to the jokes of Jimmy Cricket - not the Disney character but the crap 1980s comedian - crumbling like a stale cake to a 2 - 1 at The Britannia Stadium. Stoke City took the lead when Danny Higginbotham converted a nineteenth minute penalty following a professional foul by Gareth Bale that earned the Spurs defender an early bath. The shower were still on the pitch and fought back to equalise through Darren Bent six minutes later. Rory Delap grabbed the points for Stoke and it might have been more were it not for the woodwork, Gomes and a missed penalty. Indeed, Gomes might be considered more of a danger to his own defence than any forward, poleaxing Corluka twice. Obviously he was not satisfied with his first effort and needed the second to completely total the Croat.

On the subject of Arsenal which I vaguely was, they overcame Leon Osman’s ninth minute opener to beat Everton at The Emirates. Goals from Nasri, Adebayor and Walcott in the second half secured a 3 - 1 win. Eejits R Us had their clearance sale and one found his way to Villa Park where a coin hit the Assistant Referee. It was the only thing that hit the target as Aston Villa and Portsmouth served up a goalless draw. Mind you, according to Harry Redknapp the coin was aimed at him so that missed as well. Nothing was on target at The Reebok as Bolton, continued to fail to beat Blackburn Rovers at home, the tenth year running that the visitors have left this derby with at least one point.

Keiran Richardson found the net with a storming freekick that was ruled out for Chimbonda’s shenanigans in the wall as Sunderland left Craven Cottage scratching their heads as to how they did not beat Fulham. It wasn’t the only foul play in the wall as Jimmy Bullard grabbed Chimbonda in the box in the lead up to Richardson’s effort. The woodwork also played its part, leaving the unveiling of Johnny Haynes statue before kick-off as the memorable event of the day.

Least surprising result of the day was Manchester United’s 4 - 0 drubbing of West Bromwich Albion. Second half goals from Rooney, Ronaldo, Berbatov and Nani did the damage. At Newcastle, Rob Styles was the villain of the piece wrongly dismissing Beye in the twelfth minute, a decision overturned on appeal by the FA. Robinho converted the resultant penalty but it only sparked the Toon into action as Ameobi and a Richard Dunne own goal seemed to have given them three points before Stephen Ireland popped up to salvage an equaliser for Manchester City.

PREMIER LEAGUE REVIEW - MATCHDAY SEVEN

Chelsea and Liverpool shared top spot at the start of a weekend that saw them face tricky matches against teams with aspirations to break the big four cartel. At Stamford Bridge, the leaders overcame Aston Villa comfortably, a team who had taken four out of six points from them last season. First half goals from Joe Cole and Nicolas Anelka saw the hosts cruise to a 2 - 0 victory and maintain their position as Leaders of the Pack on goal difference.

At the City of Manchester Stadium, Liverpool overcame a two-goal deficit at half-time to win 3 - 2 and stay in touch with Chelsea. Stephen Ireland gave Manchester City the lead in the nineteenth minute, an advantage doubled four minutes before the break by Garrido. Ten minutes into the second half and Fernando Torres pulled one back but still Liverpool toiled. Their lucky break came with the dismissal of Zabaleta, reducing City to ten men with a quarter of the match remaining. The Reds took just six minutes to take advantage when Torres grabbed his second of the afternoon but they had to wait until two minutes into stoppage time before Dirk Kuyt stole in for the winner and wheeled away to strains of ‘Smoke on the Water’, practising for this year’s Dutch Air Guitar championships. Robbie Keane Watch: Still not as valuable as the Mickey Mouse version and largely as effective in the goalscoring stakes.

Having won their previous match at The Emirates, Hull City travelled to White Hart Lane to take on shambolic Spurs and emerged with all three points thanks to a superb Geovanni freekick, curled into Gomes net on nine minutes. Third place and no signs of the nosebleeds ending such is the rarified heights to which they have climbed. Tottenham continue to be laughed at by everyone with the comedy not just limited to events on the pitch. Juande Ramos received a vote of confidence from Daniel Levy whom nobody trusts so Ramos ought really to be digging out his passport to get the next flight home.

Manchester United seem to have awoken from their slumbers, their 2 - 0 victory at Ewood Park seeing them climb quietly up the table following an indistinguished start. Not that the victory was without controvesy, Blackburn Rovers aggrieved that Wes Brown’s opener on the half-hour was allowed to stand despite Vidic’s baulking of Rovers keeper Jason Brown in the build-up. Wayne Rooney lumbered up for the upcoming internationals with a second on sixty-four minutes.

Sunderland came within seconds of sending Arsenal to consecutive Premier League defeats at The Lido, sorry, Stadium of Light. Robin van Persie had a perfectly good goal erroneously ruled out by the officials, especially the Assistant Referee who could not possibly have seen whether or not the ball was out before Theo Walcott crossed. Grant Leadbitter robbed Alex Song of the ball with four minutes to go before Cesc Fabregas headed home in the deep end to salvage a 1 - 1 draw.

At Goodison Park, Everton raced into a two-goal lead against Newcastle. Mikel Arteta broke the deadlock on seventeen with a penalty before Fellaini doubled their advantage with thirty-five minutes played. Joe Kinnear’s expletive quota was ready to go into overdrive at the interval and having left his seat in the Director’s Box, he missed Steven Taylor’s injury-time goal, cursing no doubt a ban not served from four seasons ago. The air turned as blue as Everton’s shirts when he retook his seat for the second half, finding he had missed Damien Duff’s equaliser in the 2 - 2 draw.

West Ham United had been riding on the crest of a wave since Gianfranco Zola’s arrival but Gary Megson’s Bolton side cried, “Surf’s Up”, first and raced into a thoroughly deserved two-goal half-time lead with goals from Kevin Davies and Gary Cahill thanks to some slapstick goalkeeping from Robert Green. Carlton Cole pulled one back with twenty minutes to go but the 3 - 1 win was confirmed for The Trotters with Matt Taylor’s stunning freekick four minutes from time.

At The JJB Stadium, ninety minutes of tedium was broken with one minute to go by Jeremie Aliadiere stole the only goal of the game to give Middlesbrough a 1 - 0 win over Wigan which was the same scoreline that West Bromwich Albion beat Fulham by at The Hawthorns, Roman Bednar breaking the deadlock one minute past the hour mark. At Fratton Park, Stoke City’s woes continued as they slumped to a 2 - 1 defeat against Portsmouth. Peter Crouch and Jermaine Defoe scored for the home side, sandwiching Fuller’s strike for The Potters.

PREMIER LEAGUE - MATCHDAY SIX

Arsenal started the day in top spot and were expected to crush Hull City at The Emirates. Football though has a habit of bringing you back to Earth, the visitors doing so by winning 2 - 1. It did not seem that it would be the case when Cesc Fabregas forced McShane to put through his own net five minutes into the second half but Geovanni scored a thumping equaliser from thirty yards, followed by a Cousin header from a corner two minutes later. Hull held out thankful to some fine goalkeeping from Myhill and the intervention of the crossbar from a Gallas header.

The two hundred and eighth Merseyside derby followed the pattern of recent years with Tim Cahill receiving his marching orders for a wild tackle on Xabi Alonso, the eighth player to do so in as many seasons. Everton slumped to a 0 - 2 defeat, Fernando Torres scoring a quick-fire brace to give Liverpool top spot albeit temporarily. Robbie Keane paid back about 50p of his transfer fee by setting up both goals but yet again proved to be closer to becoming the first footballer on the moon than scoring his first Liverpool goal.

Chelsea travelled to the Britannia Stadium, favourites to put Stoke City to a swift end and despite some pressure from the hosts, did exactly that in a 2 - 0 victory. Jose Bosingwa scored his first for the club after his summer move from Porto, the second added by Anelka in the second half. Cristiano Ronaldo made his first Premier League start of the season for Manchester United and scored the first in their 2 - 0 win over Bolton Wanderers in what was a generally lacklustre performance. Ronaldo fell over in the penalty area and unsurprisingly won a spot-kick, which he duly converted. Wayne Rooney emerged from the bench and added a second in the seventy-seventh minute.

Gianfranco Zola’s reign at West Ham continued its’ bright start with a 2 - 1 win at Craven Cottage, Fulham falling closer to the bottom three as a result. Carlton Cole broke the deadlock two minutes before the interval, Matthew Etherington adding the second in injury-time. The hosts rarely looked like pegging them back but a Danny Murphy penalty on the hour gave them hope but The Hammers held out for their second win in a week.

Nobody bet on a 2 - 1 result at The Riverside, just as well really as former ‘Boro captain brought his West Brom team to raid and emerge with a 1 - 0 victory over Middlesbrough thanks to an Olsson goal in the fifty-third minute. A short hop, skip and jump up the road to Newcastle saw the farce at St James Park descend further as Blackburn outplayed them in their 2 - 1 win. Chris Samba opened the scoring with a dubious header, the defender clearly offside when the ball was despatched from a free-kick. Roque Santa Cruz sealed the win four minutes before half-time although Michael Owen won and converted a penalty in the fifty-first minute to offer hope to the Geordies. Another false dawn arose, the debacle completed when it emerged that interim manager, Joe Kinnear, cannot sit on the touchline for two games due to a ban from 2004 that had yet to be served. Still, at least he brightened the day by swearing on Football Focus at lunchtime, much to the embarrassment of the cringeworthy presenter.

Aston Villa are going about their business quietly, climbing to third in the table with a 2 - 1 win over Sunderland, completing a miserable afternoon for the North-East. Footballing Peer, Djibril Cisse, gave the visitors a tenth minute lead, cancelled out by Ashley Young eight minutes later. John Carew won the match on thirty-three, the summer’s tribulations over Gareth Barry disappearing in a haze of good results for The Villains.

Wigan hosted the Manchester City rich kids and promptly taught them that money can’t buy you love or three points for that matter, the hosts winning 2 - 1. Antonio Valencia opened the scoring after a quarter of an hour with a stunning thirty yard effort that left Joe Hart in City goal helpless. Robinho went close soon afterwards but if fell to Vincent Kompany to equalise, heading home an Elano free-kick. The match was settled when Wilson Palacios produced a dive that would earned him 5.9 from Olympic judges. Referee Steve Bennett gave it a 6 and Wigan a penalty that Amr Zaki despatched comfortably.

Tottenham headed to the South Coast and ye olde worlde charms of Fratton Park on a high having won at Newcastle in the Carling Cup. Portsmouth had conceded ten in their last two games so an away win was on the cards. Only kidding, this is Spurs after all and they were undone by two former players and an Arsenal loanee in Pompey’s 2 - 0 win. Jermaine Defoe converted a penalty after Jermaine Jenas handled in the area whilst Peter Crouch converted the rebound from Armand Traore’s well-struck shot. Not even Lassana Diarra’s sending off two minutes from time could dampen ‘Appy ‘Arry’s mood whilst Spurs continue to show what a strong side they are by propping up the table for yet another week.

PREMIER LEAGUE - MATCHDAY FIVE

Chelsea entertained Manchester United at Stamford Bridge, the scene last season of alleged racial abuse leading to a contretemps between United players and Chelsea groundstaff, disciplinary action still sitting gathering cobwebs at the FA Headquarters. This time, the trouble was on the pitch, seven United players cautioned triggering an automatic £25k fine, three of which were for dissent, making a mockery of the FA’s RESPECT campaign. An enthralling encounter took place with Park giving United an eighteenth minute lead, almost cancelled out by Joe Cole later in the first half. As it was, Salomon Kalou saved the host’s blushes with ten minutes to go, giving both sides’ equal shares. To whom the point is most valuable will become more apparent next May.

Liverpool meanwhile were confident of hitting the top spot and seemed to be well on their way in the second minute when Steven Gerrard appeared to have scored his one hundredth goal for the club against Stoke City. Inexplicably, it was ruled out whereupon the visitors defended the siege of Anfield, putting heads, legs, bodies and every other extremity in the way, surviving to gain a point with no little help from the fact that Robbie Keane cannot hit a barn door at the moment, let alone find the back of the net. Five games in and still no sign of his immensely over-inflated transfer fee being repaid.

With all this point sharing going on, Arsenal took full advantage by coming from a goal down to emerge victorious at The Reebok by a 3 – 1 scoreline. Kevin Davies gave Bolton Wanderers the lead on just before the quarter of an hour mark, an advantage that lasted all of ten minutes. Emmanuel Eboue took advantage of a misjudgement by the officials, clearly offside he played to the whistle that only came after he had scored an equaliser at the near post. Sixty seconds later, all that is wonderful about The Gunners allowed Nicklas Bendtner to slide in for a second. The passing and vision of the Arsenal midfield, combined with their speed of thought and movement was too much for the pedestrian Bolton defence.

Davies then decided to put in some physical intimidation on Gael Clichy, fortunate that his recklessness did not break the Frenchman’s leg. Final revenge was extracted when Theo Walcott scared the living bejesus out of six Bolton defenders by running at them, laying the ball off to Adebayor whose cross should have been met with a simple tap-in by Denilson. The Brazilian decided that a rasping sidefooted shot into the roof of the net was more aesthetically pleasing and emphatic, a third Arsenal goal still the final outcome.

Aston Villa have been sneaking up on the rails all season and crept into the top four with a 2 – 1 derby win at The Hawthorns. Not that West Brom were entirely congenial hosts, Clinton Morrison pegging back two Villa goals in two minutes – John Carew and Gabriel Agbonlahor the scorers – with ten minutes to go to half-time. Despite The Baggies trying to huff and puff and blow the Villa defence down, the scoreline could, and perhaps should, have been wider.

Middlesbrough broke a million gamblers’ hearts by failing to score at The Stadium Of Light as Sunderland strode to a 2 – 0 victory. Had ‘Boro scored, a new Premier League record of five consecutive 2 – 1 results would have been created, beating the current Middlesbrough squad’s season best of four. Michael Chopra was the Sunderland hero with two goals in the final nine minutes. Anyone who has suffered losses as a result of ‘Boro’s failure to score is advised to blame Stewart Downing, who capped his incredibly poor international performances by missing a penalty.

Gianfranco Zola took charge of West Ham for the first time and saw them use Newcastle as a mop, wiping the floor with The Geordies in a 3 – 1 win. Italian journeyman, Davide di Michele, scored twice with Matthew Etherington adding a third; Michael Owen scored for the visitors in front of the watching Fabio Capello. It ought to be enough for the former Golden Boy to regain his place in the national team for if anyone can score for a side as poor as Newcastle, scoring at international level is a doddle.

Hull City warmed up for their visit to The Emirates by stealing a two-goal lead against Everton inside the first fifty minutes at the KC and The Sunshine Band stadium. They were tapping their toes as Turner gave the hosts the lead on eighteen, dancing in the aisles when a Phil Neville own goal increased the advantage with the second half barely five minutes old. Bottoms returned to seats when Tim Cahill pulled one back with sixteen minutes to go and the dancing in the home stand become rather more erratic and twitchy when Leon Osman scored the equaliser with twelve minutes remaining.

Blackburn Rovers overcame dogged Fulham defence at Ewood Park to win by a solitary Matt Derbyshire goal six minutes from time. Their status is a warning to the “World’s Richest Football Club” of what happens when an investor no longer pumps the funds into the club, something Manchester City need to bear in mind. Not that it really matters at the moment as Portsmouth were the sacrificial lambs at Eastlands, a 6 – 0 drubbing handed out quite deservedly with Stephen Ireland the star of the show. Jo started the rout on thirteen minutes before Stephen Dunne added a second seven minutes later. The match really sparked into life as the hour mark approached when the obligatory Robinho goal was followed ten minutes later by Shaun Wright-Phillips third in two games. Evans and Gelson finished the destruction with two goals in the final twelve minutes to hoist The Citizens to fifth spot.

PREMIER LEAGUE - MATCHDAY FOUR

The leaders went into the weekend level on points, both facing Mancunian opposition. Liverpool met fire with fire at Anfield, defeating Manchester United 2 - 1 to briefly claim top spot. Dimitar Berbatov’s debut turned out to be a damp squib despite setting up Carlos Tevez for the opener with barely three minutes on the clock. United’s slow start to the season was re-instated as the result of a self-inflicted wound, Wes Brown turning into his own net with the half-hour mark approaching. With a draw looming on the horizon, Ryan Babel settled the match with thirteen minutes remaining. The action was not over as Nemanja Vidic received his marching orders for leading with an elbow in the final minute. Local Cow News: None are worried at all when Robbie Keane appears with a banjo because they know he will not be able to hit their rear-ends. Defences feel the same when he approaches goal as he still cannot score. Maybe he will have to try to buy a goal instead.

Chelsea meanwhile faced former player, Mark Hughes, at Eastlands, where his new owners watched Manchester City, Robinho and all, slump to a 1 - 3 defeat. The £32m man gave City the lead in the thirteenth minute with a trademark freekick, one that the watching Frank Lampard could have only admired such was the deflection the ball took into the net. Chelsea hit back swiftly, Ricardo Carvalho equalising three minutes later. Their dominance was confirmed in the fifty-third minute when Lampard scored and a quarter of an hour later, former City striker Nicolas Anelka bit the hand that used to feed with the visitors third. John Terry was rightly dismissed for a professional foul with thirteen minutes remaining but the weak, lily-livered nature of the Football Association came to the fore when they rescinded the red card on the basis that Terry was not the last man, despite the fact that he was. It does not matter that two other Chelsea players may have been in close proximity, the bare fact is that Terry had nobody behind him and should have missed three games as a consequence of his cheating actions.

Talking of which, Arsenal moved into third spot as they crushed Blackburn Rovers at Ewood Park, the 4 - 0 scoreline doing scant justice to the visitors command of the match. Robin van Persie struck in the eighth minute for the second week running to give Arsenal the lead, an advantage that was doubled in first half injury time by Emmanuel Adebayor. The Togolese international then converted an eighty-first minute penalty and completed his hat-trick two minutes into injury time to give The Gunners their just rewards.

Hull City proved to be the yo-yo team of the season, crushed by Wigan in the second week but capitalising on the disarray at St James Park by winning 2 - 1 over Newcastle United. Marlon King scored twice for the visitors, one in each half, before Xisco scored his first goal for The Magpies with eight minutes remaining. The match is best (or worst) remembered for the reckless, pointless and thuggish challenge by Chris Guthrie which broke Craig Fagan’s leg in injury time. Newcastle have enough on their plate with Joey Barton and have little need for anyone who takes him as a role model.

West Bromwich Albion gained their first win of the season, defeating West Ham United 3 - 2 at The Hawthorns. The afternoon started with a bang as Clinton Morrison opened the scoring after three minutes, Mark Noble equalising on the half-hour. Five minutes later, the visitors resumed what seemed to be normal service as captain Lucas Neill gave them the lead but the Baggies fought back almost immediately as Roman Bednar converted a thirty-seventh minute penalty to allow Albion into the interval on level terms. Both sides shored up defensively but a killer blow was struck by the hosts with seven minutes to go as James Brunt scored the winner. Onlooking new Hammers boss Gianfranco Zola looked bemused by what was happening, surely he could not have forgotten the topsy-turvy world that West Ham inhabit during his absence from the English game?

Did you get to the bookies in time? You did! Well done for putting down the correct score of 2 - 1 to the home side for Middlesbrough were in town, visiting Portsmouth. The hosts were looking to build upon their comprehensive victory at Goodison Park a week earlier and did so thanks to a Jermaine Defoe brace. It was three points though that were gained the hard way as they had to overturn Mido’s twenty-fourth minute opener that left ‘Boro still looking for their first away points of the season.

Wigan Athletic and Sunderland are expected to be in the relegation shake-up come the season’s end so it was hardly surprising that a 1 - 1 draw ensued when the teams met at the JJB Stadium. Titus Bramble put through his own net on fifteen minutes as The Black Cats dominated but the hosts earned their point as their goalscoring machine, Emile Heskey, equalised. Just kidding, Heskey has reached his quota for the season already and it was Zaki was scored with twelve minutes remaining. Fulham could not buy a win until the last few weeks of the season yet recorded their second in as many home games, beating Bolton Wanderers 2 - 1 at Craven Cottage. Zoltan Gera opened his account for The Cottagers on fifteen minutes, Bobby Zamora doing likewise on forty-one to give the hosts an unassailable two-goal advantage at half-time. Bolton huffed and puffed but could not blow the Fulham cottage down until the eighty-second minute when chief porker, Kevin Davies, scored.

Stoke City were, along with Hull City expected to be whipping boys in the top flight this season. Whilst the team from the Humber are doing their best to scrape out points early on, The Potters are beginning to live up to expectations and were comfortably beaten by Everton, despite the 2 - 3 scoreline suggesting otherwise. The visitors dominated and the surprise was that it took Yakubu forty-one minutes to give them the lead. Anichebe doubled that on fifty-one as Everton hit cruise control. They stumbled though as two goals in eight minutes brought the home side level. Olofinjana began the fightback on fifty-five before Phil Jagielka put through his own net on sixty-three. Despite this, it seemed only a matter of time until Everton added to their tally, Tim Cahill duly doing so with seventy-seven minutes played.

Doctors and research frequently mention that a smile or laugh works wonders for your health. In which case, all Arsenal fans must be really happy and in tip-top condition when they look at Tottenham’s results. This time a 1 - 2 home defeat to Aston Villa. It had been suggested that they missed Dimitar Berbatov and Robbie Keane but they would not have made any difference as neither has scored yet. Nigel Reo-Coker gave the visitors the lead on five minutes, doubled when Ashley Young scored nine minutes after the interval. Some consolation was gained when Darren Bent scored with five minutes remaining but Spurs are bottom and half of North London is giggling away quite happily.

PREMIER LEAGUE - MATCHDAY THREE

Manchester United’s match against Fulham was a casualty as the Champions League winners crashed to defeat in Monaco against Zenit St Petersburg in the European Super Cup final. Sir Alex Ferguson consoled himself by going shopping, his mood brightened by finding a Dimitar Berbatov on the shelf, looking all upset and lonely, the price of £30.75m considered a bargain by the Scot.

At home, Chelsea and Liverpool went into their fixtures against Tottenham and Aston Villa defending their 100% start’s to the season. Both had upcoming home games against the defending Champions and were hopeful of maximum points to put a considerable distance between them and United at this early stage of the season. Things did not go to plan as points were squandered in draws. Jose Mourinho once commented that Tottenham had parked tanks on the Chelsea lawn to earn a draw, Luis Felipe Scolari was equally frustrated as Belletti’s twenty-eight minute opener was cancelled out by goalscorer extraordinaire, Darren Bent, equalised as the first half drew to a close. At Villa Park, Liverpool were on top for a lot of the game but could not breach the Aston Villa defence. Robbie Keane did not score nor did he get booked, so he has nothing to remember this game by.

Arsenal slipped into gear and into fourth place with a comfortable cruise through Newcastle United, three goals for the hosts in the first hour were met with no reply. Robin van Persie drilled home an eigth minute penalty, adding his second four minutes before the interval. So bad were the visitors in the first half that Mike Ashley mistook the Arsenal crowd’s chants of ‘Down in one’ for a challenge to drink a pint of lager in one gulp, little realising that they were taunting him about the Toon’s impending relegation.

Football fans often seek solace in the misery of their local rivals, a route not allowed for Sunderland fans as they slumped to a 0 - 3 home reverse to Manchester City. Shaun Wright-Phillips celebrated his homecoming with two goals in eight second half minutes, adding to Stephen Ireland’s opener in first half injury time. City would be very active in the final twenty-four hours of the transfer window, new owners, ADUG, finding that buying the club cost £32m more than they originally bargained for as it came with a Robinho from Real Madrid. The Brazilian raised eyebrows with the move, facial arching that increased when he stated that he was happy to be joining Chelsea a few days later at a press conference in his homeland but that is a story for another day.

The forwards of the newly-promoted teams could not hit a cow’s backside with a banjo as West Bromwich Albion gained a creditable goalless draw at Bolton Wanderers whilst their peers both lost. Middlesbrough gave an indication that 2 - 1 might be a good bet as a correct score for their matches by defeating Stoke City by that scoreline, Alves and Sanli for the home side, a Justin Hoyte own goal for the visitors, repeating Robert Huth’s feat on the opening day. For Hull City reality bit them firmly on the rear as they were given a masterclass in counter-attacking football by Wigan Athletic, of all people. The hosts defence was breached by the visitors five times without reply, Egyptian striker Zaki scoring a brace and setting Valencia away for the second Wigan goal, which saw the forward race half the length of the pitch unchallenged before scoring.  A Sam Ricketts own goal on five minutes had set the rot in, the half-time deficit being two goals for Hull to retrieve. On sixty-eight minutes, Zaki got his first, before he and Emile Heskey added two more goals in thirteen minutes to complete the demolition.

Equally chastened were Blackburn Rovers, crushed 4 - 1 at Upton Park by West Ham. A Callum Davenport twelfth minute opener and Samba’s own goal on twenty were immediately pegged back by Jason Roberts two minutes later. The search for an equaliser proved fruitless as on ninety-three Craig Bellamy scored with a cracking volley before Carlton Cole sealed the result two minutes later.

For Everton, it has been a mixed bag so far but not even the most ardent of Portsmouth fans would have expected such a comprehensive 3 - 0 win for the visitors at Goodison Park. Jermaine Defoe scored twice, despite Peter Crouch trying to claim one of them, the third added by Glen Johnson.

PREMIER LEAGUE - MATCHDAY TWO

If the opening day of the season went pretty much to form, the book was ripped up and thrown out of the window in the season’s second weekend. Having habitually failed to get their due reward on trips to Fratton Park, Manchester United took three deserved points from Portsmouth with Darren Fletcher’s thirty-second minute strike. Chelsea continued their winning start with Deco scoring after just four minutes, enough to ensure Wigan Athletic joined Pompey in propping up the table.

Joining Chelsea at the top of the table with maximum points were Liverpool who had to come from behind to beat Middlesbrough. Mido grabbed his second goal of the campaign, scoring after seventy minutes had passed. It seemed as though that would be enough for the visitors to provide the shock of the day until Emmanuel Pogatetz put through his own net with four minutes remaining on the clock. A point would have been well-earned by the visitors but with four minutes of injury time played, Steven Gerrard popped up to score the winner in a 2-1 victory in which Robbie Keane failed to score but he did manage to get himself booked so there is something to remember his home debut by.

His presence is not missed at White Hart Lane where Tottenham worked hard to lose 1 - 2 to Sunderland and sink into the relegation places. Kieran Richardson gave the visitors the lead on fifty-five minutes, the second coming from the only aristocrat playing in the Premier League, the Lord of Frodsham Manor, Djibril Cisse scoring on eighty-three minutes. A Tottenham player found the net ten minutes earlier, Jermaine Jenas grabbing that honour.

The shock result of the day came at Craven Cottage came as Fulham scored the only goal of the game to defeat Arsenal, some poor marking at a corner midway through the first half allowed Hangeland to head home. Despite some good opportunities, Arsenal’s woeful form against struggling teams on their travels is an ill for which Arsene Wenger has to find a cure if his side are to live up to their pre-season tag as one of the favourites for the title although Paddy Power’s odds of 12-1 seemed a generous at the time.

Hull City proved that their opening day win over Fulham was no flash in the pan as Phil Brown’s side shared the spoils at Ewood Park. Blackburn Rovers took the lead through Jason Roberts seven minutes before half-time only to be pegged back within two minutes by Garcia. No sign of Dean Windass making his Premier League debut for Hull but he did at least manage to look totally disinterested on the bench. Fellow promotees Stoke City managed to overcome Aston Villa for their first win of the season. A Liam Lawrence penalty gave them a first half lead but John Carew equalised for Villa just past the hour mark, parity lasting until the eightieth minute when Fuller gave the hosts the lead once more. Barely had the bottoms returned to the seats in the stadium when Martin Laursen equalised for the visitors but with barely time to restart the game before full-time, Sidibe scored to set The Potteries rocking. For a week at least.

Not that the same could be said for The Hawthorns as West Bromwich Albion slumped to their second defeat of the season. Everton took the lead on sixty-five minutes through Leon Osman and doubled it when Yakubu scored with fourteen minutes to go. A Roman Bednar penalty in the last minute might have reduced the deficit but it cannot disguise the fact that it is beginning to look like a long, hard season in the West Midlands.

Which is precisely what Newcastle United supporters may have been expecting as stories of ructions at St James Park began to surface, Kevin Keegan apparently taking umbrage at not being in control of player signings and departures. Bolton Wanderers might have hoped to take advantage of this turmoil but found out that contrary to the popular belief in the media, Michael Owen can hit the backside of a cow with banjo, scoring with nineteen minutes to go. It would not be enough to get him into Fabio Capello’s squad for the England internationals against Andorra and Croatia but at least it ensured that he would not be forgotten when the time for the October squad to be announced.

Finally at Eastlands, Mark Hughes first home Premier League match in charge of Manchester City ended with a comprehensive 3 - 0 victory over West Ham United. Daniel Sturridge opened the scoring with twenty-five minutes remaining and not for the last time this season, the samba rhythms rang across the city as Elano grabbed a brace in six second half minutes for The Citizens. It would not be the last time that the City fans enjoyed a Brazilian’s work in the box this season.

PREMIER LEAGUE REVIEW - MATCHDAY ONE

The 2008/09 campaign kicked off with the top three from last season all at home, all avoiding defeat. Arsenal set the ball rolling with the lunchtime kick-off against last season’s Championship title winners, West Bromwich Albion. Having been relatively inactive during the summer transfer window, The Gunner’s major signing, Samir Nasri, took just four minutes to introduce himself to The Emirates crowd. A signature flowing move down the left took the ball to the touchline where Denilson cut the ball back to the Frenchman to sweep the ball home. It was to be the only goal of the game but not for lack of Arsenal effort with Albion rarely threatening their host’s.

The defending Champions, Manchester United, found Newcastle United to be unusually obdurate. Missing last season’s golden boy Cristiano Ronaldo, the home side lacked a cutting edge and were taken by surprise when Obefami Martins opened the scoring for the visitors midway through the first half. Such joy was shortlived as United equalised through Darren Fletcher but despite Vidic hitting the bar late on, the Toon Army travelling back to Tyneside with a well-deserved point.

Chelsea on the other hand made light work of Luis Felipe Scolari’s first match in charge, FA Cup winners Portsmouth proving to be lambs to the slaughter. Joe Cole set the ball rolling in their 4 - 0 drubbing of Portsmouth with the opener on twelve minutes, a lead doubled on twenty six when Nicolas Anelka broke his Premier League duck for the season. The end to a contest long viewed as over was confirmed in the final minute of the first half when Frank Lampard converted a penalty. Deco made his debut and scored with two minutes of the match remaining, giving the Chelsea board the style they craved in Scolari’s first match in charge.

New boys Hull City, making their debut in the top flight of English football, entertained Fulham at the KC Stadium. They proved to be the Sunshine Band as they overcame Ki-Hyeon’s eighth minute opener for the visitors through Geovanni midway through the first half and Folan with nine minutes remaining to give The Tigers a 2 - 1 opening day victory.

Performance of the weekend though surely belonged to Blackburn Rovers who scraped a victory at Goodison Park. David Moyes had found it difficult to strengthen his squad during the summer and the lethargy seemed to severely impact Everton as they fell behind to a cracker from David Dunn midway through the first half. Spaniard Mikel Arteta spared blushes by equalising two minutes before the interval and Evertonians believed in a bright new future when Yakubu put them ahead midway through the second half. It was a short-lived joy as Roque Santa Cruz equalised two minutes later with The Toffees coming unstuck as the visitors took three deserved points when Andre Oojer scored with almost the last kick of the ball.

Sunderland entertained Liverpool at the Stadium of Light and despite holding out for eighty-three minutes, they succumbed to Fernando Torres’ first strike of the season. It was a rare bright spot for the Merseysider’s following the summer’s aborted and terminally dull courtship of Gareth Barry, mixed with the interminable in-fighting between their owners, eventually agreeing a truce that will last all of about five minutes. Oh, and Robbie Keane did not score for the first time this season.

Tottenham Hotspur were once again tipped to be the team to break into the cosy cartel of teams in the top four and once again failed abysmally to live up to that expectation, fading almost invisibly to a 1 - 2 defeat at The Riverside. Hosts Middlesbrough took the lead with twenty minutes to go when David Wheater scored, Spurs old boy Mido doubling the advantage with four minutes to go. Indeed, a Tottenham player failed to find the back of the net all afternoon as their goal was down to Robert Huth putting through his own net three minutes into injury time.

Stoke City were many people’s tip to go straight back down to The Championship and set about proving the pundits right with a poor performance at The Reebok. Bolton Wanderers took the lead on thirty-four minutes through Steinsson, Kevin Davies adding a second before the interval. The points were wrapped up in first half injury time when another summer addition to The Trotters squad, Jonas Elmander scored his first goal for the club. Scant consolation was gained when Fuller opened The Potters account for the season with barely a minute of the match remaining.

At Upton Park, Dean Ashton scored twice in the opening ten minutes to give West Ham United an unassailable lead against Wigan Athletic. Zaki pulled one back for the visitors two minutes into the second half as they looked set to struggle during the coming campaign.

Aston Villa met fellow UEFA Cup competitors Manchester City in a pulsating clash at Villa Park, emerging victorious with a 4 - 2 win. Surprisingly it took forty-seven minutes for the opening goal, John Carew for Villa beginning the glut. Elano equalised from the spot just past the hour before Gabi Agbonlahor took over the show, scoring a hat-trick in seven minutes. Corluka’s final goal for City before his protracted move to Tottenham served only as a goodbye gift for the stunned visitors.

Manchester United vs. Wigan – EPL Title Battle – Second Half

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Second half report from the final match day of 2007/2008 EPL season.There were no changes to the United side during halftime despite Scholes’s yellow card and his risky play.United found themselves in a more attacking mood in the second half, with 3 shots taken within the first 10 minutes. By the 65th minute that tally rose to 5. At full time it had risen to 7 (4 on goal and 1 goal). Wigan did not get their first decent chance at goal until the 69th minute.Referee Steve Bennett’s calls caused massive frustration and sparked Rooney’s temper; a penalty not given against Wigan for bringing down Scholes immediately created controversy. Rooney was awarded a yellow card for his attitude in the 57th minute. Steve Bennett famously dismissed Javier Mascherano for a temper tantrum, so Rooney’s inability to keep his thoughts to himself could have been cause for concern. With Scholes on one yellow and risking tackles in his usual fashion, and Rooney on one yellow and apparently unwilling to calm himself down, the chances of a red seemed to be mounting against United. In the 67th minute this pressure was alleviated as Scholes was taken off and Owen Hargreaves brought on.In the 61st minute everything grew uncertain in United’s world as Chelsea scored against Bolton, courtesy of Andriy Shevchenko. Fans and players surely knew if Wigan evened the scoreline Chelsea could take the title. Undeterred, United continued to press Wigan as second wore on.In the 68th minute Ryan Giggs equaled Bobby Charlton’s record for United appearances as he came on for Ji-Sung Park. In the 69th minute Antoine Sibierski replaced Marcus Bent, who played strongly for Wigan today.In the 79th minute Ryan Giggs ended all uncertainty. His goal from a Rooney cross crowned Manchester United the 2007/2008 EPL Champions. It was an amazing way to mark his historic 758th appearance. Bobby Charlton looked on as the man who met his record brought his team to victory.Following the goal Marlon King replaced Michael Brown for Wigan, and Wigan didn’t give up the fight. In the 85th minute their second shot (off target) of the half came via Jason Koumas. Desperate attempts to take something away from this match saw two more shots in the 88th and 89th minute, and 3 more in the 90th. Wigan finished with 7 shots in the half, 4 on goal.Full time stats show Manchester United’s domination with 67% of possession to Wigan’s 33%.Despite a rocky start United went on to fully earn this 2007/2008 EPL title, and even the Wigan supporters gave the squad a standing ovation as they made their way off the pitch to prepare for the trophy presentation.An emotional end to an incredible season: Ryan Giggs hoisted the EPL trophy and Sir Alex sang along to “We Are the Champions”. There is pure joy in the JJB tonight.The results around the league:Birmingham vs. Blackburn 4-1Birmingham put in a very strong showing but it’s too little, too late. Had they played this way during the season the overall outcome would have been far more positive. Birmingham have been relegated.Chelsea vs. Bolton 1-1Unfortunately for the West London side not only did they not win the title, but they couldn’t hold onto a clean sheet to end their season. Kevin Davies gave Bolton its consolation prize in the 90th minute. Bolton are safe from relegation.Derby vs. Reading 0-4Hapless Derby couldn’t end their dismal season with even a single goal for fans to celebrate. Reading, however, routed them with 4 goals—to little end. Reading’s play this season has landed them in the relegation zone as well, and in fact Reading rounds out the trio of relegated teams. Birmingham, Reading, and Derby have gone down.Portsmouth vs. Fulham 0-1This was undoubtedly one of the most exciting surprises of the day. Fulham seemed destined for relegation but very recent form kept them in the league by the skin of their teeth. The hero today was Danny Murphy, ensuring his team remains in the EPL to fight another year.Sunderland vs. Arsenal 0-1A match of little consequence and little coverage! Sunderland will be happy to be safe and Arsenal will be disappointed to end their season, which was so strong for so long, in third.Tottenham vs. Liverpool 0-2Liverpool bested the North London club to keep them in 11th place. Liverpool’s spot in 4th was never in doubt or danger.West Ham vs. Aston Villa 2-2Thanks to a late goal by Dean Ashton West Ham managed one point from this match, to ensure their place in the top 10 regardless of what occurred at Tottenham vs. Liverpool. West Ham stay up in 10th, and Aston Villa ends the Intertoto Cup club in 6th.Wigan vs. Manchester United 0-2The trophy celebrations for Champions Manchester United are still under way!Middlesbrough vs. Manchester City 8-1An embarrassing end to the season for City, who started the year so strongly. With the sending off of their captain and stalwart defender Richard Dunne, City seemed to lose all composure. They allowed 8 goals, a bitter pill to swallow, and managed only one as small consolation. Manchester City finish in 9th while Middlesbrough lodge themselves firmly in the middle of the bottom half of the table. Surely this result seals Sven Goran Eriksson’s unfortunate fate.Everton vs. Newcastle 3-1It’s not an end-of-season result Kevin Keegan will remember fondly, but Newcastle finish in 12th. Considering they were flirting with relegation earlier in the season, it can be no cause for complaint. Everton’s 5th place spot, and UEFA Cup inclusion, were not doubted and have now been secured.What a season and what a finish for all.Champions: Manchester UnitedChampions League: Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, LiverpoolUEFA Cup: EvertonIntertoto Cup: Aston VillaRelegated: Birmingham, Derby, Reading

Manchester United vs. Wigan - EPL Title Battle - First Half

First half report from the final match day of 2007/2008 EPL season.

A United side that looks slightly nervous has managed to score against a Wigan side that seems confident and plucky. Cristiano Ronaldo’s penalty (given against Wigan in the 32nd minute for a foul in the box against Wayne Rooney) pushed his team ahead, 1-0. It’s the Portugese scoring machine’s 31st goal of the season.

Wigan have boldly attempted, and nearly succeeded, to dominate United. Their physicality has worked in their favor in their end of the pitch, and United have struggled to mount any decent attacks. Aside from his penalty Ronaldo is not in his usual form, and Carlos Tevez is also struggling to find his scoring boots.

Wigan held the mass of possession during the opening half of the first, but by the halftime whistle United wrested possession back 57% to Wigan’s 43%. Wigan have kept United’s defense on their toes, with 8 shots (2 on goal) to United’s 4 shots (1 on goal).

One can only wonder if the news from around the other Premiership fixtures will influence United’s morale in the locker room. John Terry, Chelsea skipper, was stretchered off early in the goalless Chelsea vs. Bolton game with what appears to be a collarbone injury or dislocation or shoulder injury to the left arm. If Chelsea lose their focus they will pose no threat to United.

As the first wore on, rain began to pour on the JJB, slickening the surface of the pitch. Tackles grew messy and Scholes seemed bound and determined to receive a second yellow late in the half. Fortunately for him and for United, referee Steve Bennett let him off with a warning. Scholes’s physical play on a sloppy pitch may be a reason for concern to United in the second.

Overall United’s first half performance has been far from the smooth, clockwork machine we’ve seen when United are at their best. One goal is all they need, but if Wigan convert a shot and Chelsea score, the situation will be turned on its head. A sense of urgency must lead United in the second.

Around the League:

Blackburn vs. Birmingham 1-0
With relegation a very real possibility the goal in this game is a major boost to Birmingham, and throws the relegation zone into further unsureness.

Derby vs. Reading 0-1
Two teams also in the relegation zone, though there is no question Derby are already relegated. Reading are fighting for their EPL survival.

Portsmouth vs. Fulham 0-0
Portsmouth are safe in middle-to-lower top half of the table, and Fulham are another team on the brink of relegation. The relegation zone is an exciting mess!

Sunderland vs. Arsenal 0-1
A match with very little at stake, since Arsenal are already in the Champions League for next year, and Sunderland are safe from relegation but have no hope of passing any milestones with this match.

Tottenham vs. Liverpool 0-0
Liverpool’s title hopes ended long ago, but they are safe for next year’s Champions League. Tottenham are firmly in 11th place, and have struggled for a long time to dislodge West Ham and break into the top half of the table.

West Ham vs. Aston Villa 1-1
Aston Villa are, as it stands, the Intertoto cup team. If scores hold as they are West Ham will finish in 10th place, where they have remained for much of the second half of this season.

Wigan vs. Man Utd 0-1
If this scoreline holds, United will be declared Champions within an hour.

Middlesbrough vs. Man City 0-2
A 10-man City (Richard Dunne sent off early in the first) is safely lodged in 9th place; Boro might best Wigan for 13th.

Everton vs. Newcastle 1-0
Everton will compete for the UEFA Cup next year. Newcastle have no chance of achieving the top half of the table, and will likely finish the season in 12th.

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